I have had a mind many times over the years to write many
of you individually but each time found that revisiting my past was too
painful. It has been twelve years since I have stepped foot in a LDS church.
During this time I have met others who have had similar experiences to mine and
it has been very difficult for me to discuss my own story. Some have become the
best of friends, and we offer support for each other in any way we can. In my
recent conversations with others, I have been reminded of my upbringing in the
church; my culture, background and heritage and my family for better or worse.
No longer angry, I have come face-to-face with my past,
and know that now is the time to confront it head-on, with unconditional
compassion for myself: Mormonism is my culture, I was raised in the church, and
most of my childhood pains as well as positive experiences were had there in
some form or another. I am rebuilding an inner bridge to my own Mormonism, and
accepting it in unconditional love so that I can transmute the pain I left
there into purer intentions moving forward in my life. In doing so, I have
realized that I never gave myself adequate space or time to grieve the death of
all of the meaningful relationships I left behind in ward and family. I want
very much to take this opportunity to reach out to you and express my gratitude
to each of you for the various ways you've touched my life growing up.
Please share with the family as I don’t have everyone’s
addresses and I’m sure by now so many cousins have grown up and are in college
or married and moved out.
Although we had many differences growing up, and did not
always get along, you are my family and I will never forget that and the
significant part you played in my life.
I am certain that many assume I never returned to church
or family due to the unfortunate events pertaining to my immediate family and
the fracture that occurred there, and you would not be completely wrong, but
this is only a partial truth.
I would like to relate to you all my real story and I only
hope you will be enlightened about my own situation: I discovered I had same
sex attractions (SSA) at about age 7. I did not yet know the church's stance on
the matter as I am assuming it was determined that it was too adult of a topic
for me at that age. I quickly became aware of the stigma with homosexuality
both in and out of the church, however, and began to pray daily for my
deliverance. After all, through fervent prayer, fasting and sacrifice I would
be made whole again, right? I began to hate myself, thinking that my self
hatred may be proportional to my becoming pure; destroying the SSA with my
hatred of the sin. I went down a road of depression, and after a few years of
this I had decided to end my own life. I knew I would never reach the Celestial
Kingdom with the baggage that God would not see fit to take from me, and I
could not bear the thought of being a false husband some day in a marriage to a
Woman who would obviously deserve an honest, loving husband that could support
all her needs. I was content with the Telestial and could no longer bear the
shame of myself and what that would bring to my family. I will spare you the
details of the events surrounding my unsuccessful attempt at finding the easy
way out. Simply know that I could not perceive another way out of the
depression, self-loathing and guilt. All I wanted was to be another one of the
guys; to fit in and be as I thought God wanted me to be. Just before I turned
12 my parents discovered my same sex attractions and what ensued were terrible
arguments in our family as to how to best deal with me.
I think my parents were afraid; maybe that's why one
became so angry and the other so distant. I knew then I had lost my family and
over the years I became more distant as I fit in less and less. I didn't get
better. I hated myself every day. Even blamed myself for the downward spiral
that ensued for my own immediate family. I lost hope. I sought refuge in
rebelliousness and the small kindnesses of anyone else as I continued to die
inside. I became burnt out from continually tearing myself down and shoving
parts of myself in the dark corners of my soul so I didn't have to look at
myself. Despite your kindnesses, I could not overcome my own self hatred, and
something had to give. Based on the reactions of my parents and the negative
stigma attached to persons with SSA, I just couldn't believe that you'd accept
me as I was. So just before I turned 18 my parents got divorced and I left the
church and everything associated with it behind..
It is now 12 years later and I am still learning to love,
trust and accept myself. 18 years of telling myself I am not good enough
eventually translated into the affirmation: I will never be good enough and I
am worthless. So many of the words and verbiage used by the church in
describing sins can be hurtful if we're not careful. To be clear, I do not see
my same sex attractions as sinful or even wrong at this point in my life, and
my intention is not to change your opinion of sin or not sin. I'm still
viscerally aware of church leadership's position on the matter. Frankly, in my
opinion, if God wanted me 'cured' he would have done so many years ago. Unless
his intentions were to give me this burden to teach his people unconditional love?
Unfortunately that still left me with Telestial, which I thought was unfair and
not in line with church doctrine of free choice and repentance. I did not wake
up one day and decide I would have SSA; I wanted quite the contrary with all my
heart. To continue to fit into the family and Mormon community I was born into.
I assure you it is the way I was born and is no fault of anyone. It merely is,
and now I just want to be with someone I love and who loves me back. My new
affirmation is that I am worthy.
I wanted to share this with you so that you might
understand why I left overnight and never said goodbye, or took the time to
thank you for the kindnesses you showed me in my time with you. My shame was
too great and I could not bear to be honest with you so I ran. I was so afraid
of being disowned by you that I just walked away as to avoid it. My biggest
regret was never giving you the chance to love and accept me at least as a
person and member of your family, in whatever capacity I had to serve you all,
even if I'd never make it the Celestial or even Terrestrial kingdoms.
So I sincerely apologize to you all for not giving you
that opportunity, and just assuming you would hate me as I hated myself. And I
apologize for never properly thanking you for those kindnesses. I hope you
understand and can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
The last thing I want you to glean from this letter is
what complete non-acceptance of our brothers and sisters with same sex
attractions does to our families and how divisive that non-acceptance is in the
home. Even if we do not return to church, or cannot hold callings, I assure you
we have just as much to offer in the family unit and overall community as our
straight brothers and sisters. If you don't believe me then you've forgotten
all the work I did, all the things I provided, despite my immaturity at the
time, and the ultimate message of Christ, to love one another unconditionally.
I hope you will take my story of SSA and seriously evaluate how you view and
treat our brothers and sisters with SSA. We are your cousins, nephews, nieces,
sons, daughters, grandchildren. And we are afraid you will hate us because of
things we never wanted and never chose. We love you and even if we cannot
reconcile our own lives with church doctrine, we want nothing more than to stay
part of our families.
I hope I have provided some perspective on my life and
that you never blame yourselves for any of my own shortcomings, I certainly
don't. Thank you again for your kindness and being my family throughout my
childhood and adolescence. I apologize for never allowing you the opportunity
to be accepting and to show me you valued my contributions. And I hope you take
a serious look at how you treat sin in general, especially SSA; taking into
account how your actions in dealing with someone looking for your support can
literally be a matter of life and death for them, as well as the real possibility
of splitting up our families unnecessarily.
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