Hi all, it's been a while. Lots of weird emotions to deal with. For a couple of weeks there I cried at least once a day. I've healed a lot but still have much to go. Only one person wrote me back from my ex-mormon/leaving the family letter (a cousin.)
Got a call from my brother who works in the military and we talked for quite a while. The subject turned to family and confirmed he still talks to our dad, who consequently showed him the letter I'd sent, so I know he got it. Turns out my grandpa died and no one told me. I don't even know when. It's so frustrating. I crave community. How can religion be so important that family is only tertiary?
Is part of my path here being without community? Is my community non-physical? Hopefully wolf spirit will have some lessons for me. When wolf calls for his pack does he howl in the midst of the trees or from a high place, overlooking the valley from whence he came?
Since my grandpa has died, I wonder where his soul wanders. Does he attempt to contact me? I've resigned myself to maintain distance from them for now, so I put up my walls with the parts of me that represent my own 7 directions. When I compare them to the universal elemental spirits, mine are broken: Water is too powerful and can't control the tides. Earth is afraid to move. Fire doesn't know what the others are doing, feels like it doesn't fit and tries to do go its own way. Air feels so helpless that it restlessly rips around in circles, conjuring thoughts that endlessly dovetail into others, creating whirlwinds of anxiety from possibilities that never come to be. Above wants to control them all and below wants to tear it all down. Within is a mess. [North (earth), west (water), south (fire), east (air), above (masculine), below (feminine) and within (wyrd, space, construct, etc.)] I must begin meditations again; beckoning to the universal elements in nature to help my own inner elements find their balance and place amidst each other. This work will be a foundation to later build myself upon; an anchor of sorts in the midst of our changing world. A place where I can always find my center.
I pray to the old gods for inspiration and wisdom. I pray to the animal spirits to teach me how to see what I've forgotten. I pray to the ancestors and elements to provide context. I pray for me, and for you; that as I find my way through the murky waters of our experiences, my metamorphosis will in some way assist/inspire you to perceive, behold and nurture your own potential, whatever you choose that to be.
Even in my pain I see beauty and know this bitterness will pass as all things do. I look to the future, your future and ours, and pray for a humanity united in our own unique centeredness.
I beckon to the Spirit of the Lotus. I go forward.
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