Fast forward to now, I've been talking to a long-time friend of mine who [I think] is older than me by a few years, and still isn't out. We always discuss our love for wilderness and the peace it brings us amidst our daily struggles. His struggles are different as he lives a life still very close to the church whilst I live mine in exile. There are great struggles with either choice, of course, and those struggles are areas we have found comfort in each others' stories and support. In doing so more consistently than we have in the past, for the last month or two, I have come to realize that there are a lot of unresolved issues I have with myself relating to my upbringing in the church. I've cried a bit and cringed many times with a lot of pain that's resurfacing just in the last couple days. One of the most difficult things was realizing that I don't know how to act in society. Mormon society was very standardized; you could attend any church just about anywhere across the globe and the verbiage, actions, schedules and even the lesson plans would all be just about the same. The people would act the same, have the same reactions to the same discussions, sing the same hymns and interpret uniformly the same scriptures. It was safe, secure, and I always knew what to do. When I left it was abrupt, almost overnight. I never saw myself doing so. I never grieved the deaths of all the relationships I'd known all my life. And according to everything I'd ever known, those were the only relationships that mattered since outside of the church relationships (be they friendships/acquaintances/other) were temporary since those people would never get to heaven and we were only supposed to spend time with them inasmuch as we were able to proselytize.
It only took me 12 years to realize that coming out as gay, and never going to church again is not dealing with [still the] majority of my lifetime's experiences and upbringing. I have a lifetime of cult-culture behind me making up and reinforcing everything I've ever known about the human existence, including how to treat myself and others. It appears I'm beginning a long process of healing to make up for this. If I'm honest, I miss the ease of having everything written down in a book; my life's instructions, and the standardization of culture: it was so easy, and I knew the system as well as any of them. But that's the problem inherent in that cult-system: There's no room for our differences, and our contributions are not valuable outside of supporting the machine that drains our souls to empty husks. I'm not wanting to go back (I actually can't according to doctrine without shedding my own blood whilst dying in sacrifice to save my soul - that's real doctrine, no joke), just acknowledging my feelings. So I'm acknowledging also that I don't know how to value my self, or others, in our diversity and apologize to the Universe for my short-sightedness. It was my tool to survive for my entire life as a child; everything I ever learned, and now it only serves to hold me down. I cannot be true and will never be whole until that attachment is dissolved. Then when I am whole I may be able to incorporate into society and provide my community with whatever gifts have been hidden by my lack of vision.
I am not embarrassed to disclose that as my mormonism returns, I am in the process of joining an ex-mormon support group, as one of the most difficult things has been surrounding myself with people who just don't understand what it means to have grown up in that culture. I am excited to seek friends with similar stories, who have also grown up in the church and left; knowing how we all used to walk, how we all used to talk, and supporting each other in our new journeys into the world community.
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