This post is going to take a while, and I'll be updating it as often as there are opportunities to do so since this battle will take place over many campaigns...
I sniffed out the roots of the mighty hedge that separates my spirit, body and mind. Long ago the seed was sown and since has become unmanageable. Confronting this beastly barrier allowed an inspection of the enemy and my findings follow:
Daunting, enormous, interwoven with so many aspects of my perspective of reality. It's removal and eradication will be no easy or quick feat. It is not merely a matter of confronting a fear, accepting, loving, healing or any 'simple' action to transmute it and move on. This has become a part of myself. Although the idea originated from someone else, it became my own; I reinforced it and nurtured it, albeit unwittingly, for the last 25 years. It's like a bad relationship you've been in for [25] years, and you only now admit it to yourself. What do you do? It's easy to say let it go and move on, but it is so much more nuanced than that. I've identified with my wall for so long, doesn't it keep me safe from nightmares and demons; from the unknown? Knowing that safety and security are essentially illusory gives me strength. I know I created this wall and somehow I can take it down. But I'm afraid of vulnerability and change. What will I become? I've feared this death before and I can face it again if I must, although I know it isn't easy and certainly not fun... Perhaps I'm not meant to and never will be open to the spirit world? Perhaps it's not my path to see it as one and the same as I believe it to be? To that the shaman surprises me with a clear whisper to my mind, "You will." And with that, I accept in my heart that it is my path, and I prepare to face myself...
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