Goodbye Letter to My Old Church (Ward) and TBM Family

I have had a mind many times over the years to write many of you individually but each time found that revisiting my past was too painful. It has been twelve years since I have stepped foot in a LDS church. During this time I have met others who have had similar experiences to mine and it has been very difficult for me to discuss my own story. Some have become the best of friends, and we offer support for each other in any way we can. In my recent conversations with others, I have been reminded of my upbringing in the church; my culture, background and heritage and my family for better or worse.

No longer angry, I have come face-to-face with my past, and know that now is the time to confront it head-on, with unconditional compassion for myself: Mormonism is my culture, I was raised in the church, and most of my childhood pains as well as positive experiences were had there in some form or another. I am rebuilding an inner bridge to my own Mormonism, and accepting it in unconditional love so that I can transmute the pain I left there into purer intentions moving forward in my life. In doing so, I have realized that I never gave myself adequate space or time to grieve the death of all of the meaningful relationships I left behind in ward and family. I want very much to take this opportunity to reach out to you and express my gratitude to each of you for the various ways you've touched my life growing up.

Please share with the family as I don’t have everyone’s addresses and I’m sure by now so many cousins have grown up and are in college or married and moved out.

Although we had many differences growing up, and did not always get along, you are my family and I will never forget that and the significant part you played in my life.

I am certain that many assume I never returned to church or family due to the unfortunate events pertaining to my immediate family and the fracture that occurred there, and you would not be completely wrong, but this is only a partial truth.

I would like to relate to you all my real story and I only hope you will be enlightened about my own situation: I discovered I had same sex attractions (SSA) at about age 7. I did not yet know the church's stance on the matter as I am assuming it was determined that it was too adult of a topic for me at that age. I quickly became aware of the stigma with homosexuality both in and out of the church, however, and began to pray daily for my deliverance. After all, through fervent prayer, fasting and sacrifice I would be made whole again, right? I began to hate myself, thinking that my self hatred may be proportional to my becoming pure; destroying the SSA with my hatred of the sin. I went down a road of depression, and after a few years of this I had decided to end my own life. I knew I would never reach the Celestial Kingdom with the baggage that God would not see fit to take from me, and I could not bear the thought of being a false husband some day in a marriage to a Woman who would obviously deserve an honest, loving husband that could support all her needs. I was content with the Telestial and could no longer bear the shame of myself and what that would bring to my family. I will spare you the details of the events surrounding my unsuccessful attempt at finding the easy way out. Simply know that I could not perceive another way out of the depression, self-loathing and guilt. All I wanted was to be another one of the guys; to fit in and be as I thought God wanted me to be. Just before I turned 12 my parents discovered my same sex attractions and what ensued were terrible arguments in our family as to how to best deal with me.

I think my parents were afraid; maybe that's why one became so angry and the other so distant. I knew then I had lost my family and over the years I became more distant as I fit in less and less. I didn't get better. I hated myself every day. Even blamed myself for the downward spiral that ensued for my own immediate family. I lost hope. I sought refuge in rebelliousness and the small kindnesses of anyone else as I continued to die inside. I became burnt out from continually tearing myself down and shoving parts of myself in the dark corners of my soul so I didn't have to look at myself. Despite your kindnesses, I could not overcome my own self hatred, and something had to give. Based on the reactions of my parents and the negative stigma attached to persons with SSA, I just couldn't believe that you'd accept me as I was. So just before I turned 18 my parents got divorced and I left the church and everything associated with it behind..

It is now 12 years later and I am still learning to love, trust and accept myself. 18 years of telling myself I am not good enough eventually translated into the affirmation: I will never be good enough and I am worthless. So many of the words and verbiage used by the church in describing sins can be hurtful if we're not careful. To be clear, I do not see my same sex attractions as sinful or even wrong at this point in my life, and my intention is not to change your opinion of sin or not sin. I'm still viscerally aware of church leadership's position on the matter. Frankly, in my opinion, if God wanted me 'cured' he would have done so many years ago. Unless his intentions were to give me this burden to teach his people unconditional love? Unfortunately that still left me with Telestial, which I thought was unfair and not in line with church doctrine of free choice and repentance. I did not wake up one day and decide I would have SSA; I wanted quite the contrary with all my heart. To continue to fit into the family and Mormon community I was born into. I assure you it is the way I was born and is no fault of anyone. It merely is, and now I just want to be with someone I love and who loves me back. My new affirmation is that I am worthy.

I wanted to share this with you so that you might understand why I left overnight and never said goodbye, or took the time to thank you for the kindnesses you showed me in my time with you. My shame was too great and I could not bear to be honest with you so I ran. I was so afraid of being disowned by you that I just walked away as to avoid it. My biggest regret was never giving you the chance to love and accept me at least as a person and member of your family, in whatever capacity I had to serve you all, even if I'd never make it the Celestial or even Terrestrial kingdoms.

So I sincerely apologize to you all for not giving you that opportunity, and just assuming you would hate me as I hated myself. And I apologize for never properly thanking you for those kindnesses. I hope you understand and can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

The last thing I want you to glean from this letter is what complete non-acceptance of our brothers and sisters with same sex attractions does to our families and how divisive that non-acceptance is in the home. Even if we do not return to church, or cannot hold callings, I assure you we have just as much to offer in the family unit and overall community as our straight brothers and sisters. If you don't believe me then you've forgotten all the work I did, all the things I provided, despite my immaturity at the time, and the ultimate message of Christ, to love one another unconditionally. I hope you will take my story of SSA and seriously evaluate how you view and treat our brothers and sisters with SSA. We are your cousins, nephews, nieces, sons, daughters, grandchildren. And we are afraid you will hate us because of things we never wanted and never chose. We love you and even if we cannot reconcile our own lives with church doctrine, we want nothing more than to stay part of our families.

I hope I have provided some perspective on my life and that you never blame yourselves for any of my own shortcomings, I certainly don't. Thank you again for your kindness and being my family throughout my childhood and adolescence. I apologize for never allowing you the opportunity to be accepting and to show me you valued my contributions. And I hope you take a serious look at how you treat sin in general, especially SSA; taking into account how your actions in dealing with someone looking for your support can literally be a matter of life and death for them, as well as the real possibility of splitting up our families unnecessarily.

Mormonism Returns

I have been an ex-mormon now for right about 12 years. I left when I was just beginning adulthood, despite having grown up in the church. I left almost my entire family behind, except 2 brothers and my mom. None of the rest of them speak to me (and let's be real, we were mormon so there were a lot of them.) I tried born-again christianity for a couple years after that but eventually turned my back to organized religion and began to embrace my own sexuality (now mid-20's).

Fast forward to now, I've been talking to a long-time friend of mine who [I think] is older than me by a few years, and still isn't out. We always discuss our love for wilderness and the peace it brings us amidst our daily struggles. His struggles are different as he lives a life still very close to the church whilst I live mine in exile. There are great struggles with either choice, of course, and those struggles are areas we have found comfort in each others' stories and support. In doing so more consistently than we have in the past, for the last month or two, I have come to realize that there are a lot of unresolved issues I have with myself relating to my upbringing in the church. I've cried a bit and cringed many times with a lot of pain that's resurfacing just in the last couple days. One of the most difficult things was realizing that I don't know how to act in society. Mormon society was very standardized; you could attend any church just about anywhere across the globe and the verbiage, actions, schedules and even the lesson plans would all be just about the same. The people would act the same, have the same reactions to the same discussions, sing the same hymns and interpret uniformly the same scriptures. It was safe, secure, and I always knew what to do. When I left it was abrupt, almost overnight. I never saw myself doing so. I never grieved the deaths of all the relationships I'd known all my life. And according to everything I'd ever known, those were the only relationships that mattered since outside of the church relationships (be they friendships/acquaintances/other) were temporary since those people would never get to heaven and we were only supposed to spend time with them inasmuch as we were able to proselytize.

It only took me 12 years to realize that coming out as gay, and never going to church again is not dealing with [still the] majority of my lifetime's experiences and upbringing. I have a lifetime of cult-culture behind me making up and reinforcing everything I've ever known about the human existence, including how to treat myself and others. It appears I'm beginning a long process of healing to make up for this. If I'm honest, I miss the ease of having everything written down in a book; my life's instructions, and the standardization of culture: it was so easy, and I knew the system as well as any of them. But that's the problem inherent in that cult-system: There's no room for our differences, and our contributions are not valuable outside of supporting the machine that drains our souls to empty husks. I'm not wanting to go back (I actually can't according to doctrine without shedding my own blood whilst dying in sacrifice to save my soul - that's real doctrine, no joke), just acknowledging my feelings. So I'm acknowledging also that I don't know how to value my self, or others, in our diversity and apologize to the Universe for my short-sightedness. It was my tool to survive for my entire life as a child; everything I ever learned, and now it only serves to hold me down. I cannot be true and will never be whole until that attachment is dissolved. Then when I am whole I may be able to incorporate into society and provide my community with whatever gifts have been hidden by my lack of vision.

I am not embarrassed to disclose that as my mormonism returns, I am in the process of joining an ex-mormon support group, as one of the most difficult things has been surrounding myself with people who just don't understand what it means to have grown up in that culture. I am excited to seek friends with similar stories, who have also grown up in the church and left; knowing how we all used to walk, how we all used to talk, and supporting each other in our new journeys into the world community.

The Battle for the Soul: Part 2.

Well shit... So I called on every spirit being I've ever known and all that were interested that would help. Had quite a turnout. I got handed off back and forth quite a bit so not sure I remember who was who in any particular moment. Plus going into and coming out of the trance fucks with the memory quite a bit. We all met at the wall. Wolf spirit wanted us to find a way through, break away a small bit at a time and create a narrow breach into the unknown. Through this point, I can travel to and from, each time wearing down more and more until it disappears. Although not in disagreement, the shaman came from the shadows and in conjunction with the horned god of nature, took me straight up to the wall, turned me so my back was facing the wall and pressed me against it. They told me that the wall was put up with intention and would therefore be removed with intention. Facing into my known life, and without the illusion of vision, I perceived their message and with their help in modifying the way my spirit perceived, I saw the wall simultaneously as before and as it's own negative, intention. We switched to the negative perception and the wall faded completely for a few moments. It began to fade back proportionately with my recurring inhibitions; the reason for the wall in the first place. This is a time of great change and I must tread slowly as to not ensure I eventually transmute all of the intention to keep that wall, and that I don't venture too far past it when I do, until I have better control of my intentions for its existence.

I heard a voice nearby; the same child's voice that had called out to me before. I realized that it did not come from beyond the wall and exercised the same ability to perceive my environments negative that made the wall disappear. The world turned black in front of me except for a yellow-orange light emanating from a younger version of myself, battered and on his knees on the ground. I went to him to lift him up and he thanked me, saying that he'd been stuck there in that prison for so many years. He was very weak and the spirits that had come to help with the wall helped me hold myself up. We sat for some time together, face to face, and as the older me, showed my younger self [some of the] compassion I hadn't received then. We sealed our intention with a sensuous union of spirits, and I will continue to heal and integrate myself to wholeness. I knew then that I had locked myself away years before, hoping I would just change into something I wasn't in order to get the love I couldn't give myself from others in my life. There is much healing ahead, this part of me literally needs to receive the strength to walk again, and integrating a much less mature part of myself to an older me will be interesting to say the least. I know that the path must be compassionate and abundantly accepting.

I find it strange that I cannot recall whether it was the night before or after my soul journey, but I had a very disturbing dream: I was with a group of good friends in some wilderness location just doing whatever friends do, when we were attacked by gunfire. Helicopters, assault rifles, all the accoutrements of an all-out assault against my current state of being. After running for some time, loosing people on both sides, we finally glimpsed our attackers: 2 adolescent boys, about 12 years old. They started to shoot my friends where they were hiding, so I came out unarmed to confront them. I asked them what they wanted and why they were hurting us. Their answer is foggy but I remember they wanted to be known/recognized. I tried to be friendly and they seemed to respond fairly amiably. I got them to stop shooting at us but they told me I had to come with them. They said no one had ever been kind to them and that I needed to be their friend. The second boy went somewhere I couldn't see and so I stayed talking to the first. I realized he was me; a negative dream-aspect of myself saturated in so much enmity as to be willing to murder friends and my older-self. I did my best to provide as much compassion as possible to this younger me whilst in fear for my life at the volatile nature of his emotions. The dream memory ends there and I know the road to healing will be long, nuanced, delicate and difficult. It will take enormous courage but what other choice is there when I know I am to be made whole? [A rhetorical question, to be sure.]

The Battle for the Soul: Part 1.

This post is going to take a while, and I'll be updating it as often as there are opportunities to do so since this battle will take place over many campaigns...

I sniffed out the roots of the mighty hedge that separates my spirit, body and mind. Long ago the seed was sown and since has become unmanageable. Confronting this beastly barrier allowed an inspection of the enemy and my findings follow:

Daunting, enormous, interwoven with so many aspects of my perspective of reality. It's removal and eradication will be no easy or quick feat. It is not merely a matter of confronting a fear, accepting, loving, healing or any 'simple' action to transmute it and move on. This has become a part of myself. Although the idea originated from someone else, it became my own; I reinforced it and nurtured it, albeit unwittingly, for the last 25 years. It's like a bad relationship you've been in for [25] years, and you only now admit it to yourself. What do you do? It's easy to say let it go and move on, but it is so much more nuanced than that. I've identified with my wall for so long, doesn't it keep me safe from nightmares and demons; from the unknown? Knowing that safety and security are essentially illusory gives me strength. I know I created this wall and somehow I can take it down. But I'm afraid of vulnerability and change. What will I become? I've feared this death before and I can face it again if I must, although I know it isn't easy and certainly not fun... Perhaps I'm not meant to and never will be open to the spirit world? Perhaps it's not my path to see it as one and the same as I believe it to be? To that the shaman surprises me with a clear whisper to my mind, "You will." And with that, I accept in my heart that it is my path, and I prepare to face myself...

Stepping Down From Infinity and Wading Into Humanity.

It is dark and the snow has melted from the dripping rain, only to freeze again in the evening, leaving the earth encased in chunky ice. I drift into darkness with the warmth of my own body, trapped beneath layers of blankets that don't quite fit the bed. I drift into darkness slowly, putting my body to sleep, I intend to expand my consciousness. I drift in a dream and out again, I walk down a path but I can go no farther than where I stand. I can see the road ahead, and I can hear a voice calling to me, someone is lost and needs help; they need to be embraced and brought home. But I still can't go, my head stuck in position, my feet won't respond. I want to go; I need it, but something incongruous keeps me there.

I pull out and resume my life-long work of tracking my own fears, angers and blocks. When I catch their scent I am relentless. I am the wolf in the twilight of dawn who tenaciously stalks his prey; I am the hunter. I know I am close, I have been following this one a long time; sometimes I loose it's trail, only to pick it up again months later, and now the scent is strong. Something is wrong, however: usually, when I am this close I smell their fear, and this one is fearless, it tells me my efforts are in vain, insignificant. It doesn't even care I am so near. I am thrown off balance but still I pursue, I've come too far to give up. I see a memory: I must be about 3 years old; 2 was too young and by 4 I had already experienced the fallout of separation anxiety, my parents are there, not angry, just matter-of-fact, they inform me that my dreams and visions are nothing more than imagination. Not real. Made up in my mind. And I believed them. Didn't they know everything?

I recognize that now as the moment I had stepped down from infinity and waded into humanity. Something happened, just like a switch had been activated and all of my travels into spirit had been made up, false. It was both the moment in this life I stopped knowing who I was and all my confidence had been pulled out from under me at once. Fast forward through my childhood, adolescence and years of parent-enforced religion that underscored how separate we are from the spirit world; that I'm inherently a bad person, and I have to continually cut, paste and conform to someone's idea of perfection in order to ever have a chance of visiting that elusive realm of spirit. Even though I know the physical and spirit worlds are not separate at all; the idea of separation is merely a perspective, the identity of the beast is made clear and it has grown strong in me. It began as a seed, an idea that belonged to someone else, but I brought it within myself and tried to make it mine. Now it's roots grow deeper than I thought possible. I'm daunted by the task of uprooting this monstrosity. I don't even know where to begin. The wolf in me knows he lacks the strength on his own, but his cunning and tenacity can win in the end if I give him the chance. I must call in all the reinforcements that will come to our aid. The old gods and I have an ancient pact, I must provide them the space, call them in honor and humility, and we may triumph.

The voice ahead of me is a part of me that will have to wait. I must go back the way I came and destroy the idea[s] that keep me where I am. Only then can I save the child who hasn't been seen for decades and bring him home. And only he can re-teach me how to adjust my perspective; to travel into the spirit world again.

Horned God of nature, god of the hunt, god of the wild, you have helped me to stalk the prey, now help me dispatch it safely and swiftly. Lend me your sacred spear and hunt with me.
Earth goddess, mother goddess, show me the way of the healer, that I may heal myself and share that gift with others. Lend me your compassion and heal me.
Water spirits, surround me and dissolve me, take the distractions from me, show me how to use the liquid medium to move me with power.
Fire be gentle with me, your power is great, transform me and help me to understand you.
Air help me stay calm, as my inner world changes and affects the outer, help me stay stable in wisdom.
Stones give me strength of body as my spirit changes, let fire refine me and trust in its power to make gems from dust.