Another night and another visit from the gods. I'm so glad at least some part of my Soul talks to the gods, even if my ego has forgotten how to hear. After I called the directions and invited the ancestors/gods, I allowed myself some time to practice inner silence. The dialogue of the mind/ego that seems inexhaustible is a severe distraction and source of energy depletion in my life (and I know there are many that share this nasty habit), and really prevents me from getting to where I want to be and/or for any length of significant time in my journeys. So in collaboration with the Others, my soul gave me a dream: I was riding my motorcycle and I was in a long-distance race going through Nevada (don't ask, I don't why, I loathe Nevada.) It was going fairly well until I tried to pass some ass hat in a large truck who kept squeezing me off to prevent me from passing. I was so livid if I wasn't on the bike I'd have kicked him in the face. The 'reality' factor of the dream degraded and all of a sudden there were multiple trucks/trailers clogging up the path (wasn't really a road anymore) and I kept having to weave in and out in between them, getting more and more lost in my frustration. Somewhere between getting to my destination and a blackout for some time, I found myself floating downwards through some soupy/foggy part of myself. I stopped and began circling around laterally arranged spine, like a giant misshapen rose thorn. I intuited that that was a point in myself of irritant, a fissure even, hardened by years of repeated (albeit mild) child abuse. It represented my desire for success. You see, I had learned very early on that one of the few ways to gain love and acceptance in my family was to be successful. It didn't usually matter what at, just being the best. Drawing the best picture, playing the best piano, No Mistakes, just perfection. Kinda funny, as my mom has kept a ton of crap from when I was a kid, and I look at my 'art' from back then, and I don't see any difference between mine and other kids my age! But I thought I was better back then, and (as the spike in the dream) I became more than willing to hurt myself, even a lot, in order to be what others wanted of me, to gain that love and acceptance I so craved.
I'm learning to love myself now, and that to be a strong man (or woman) means having the fortitude to provide those things - love and acceptance - for your self despite societies' misgivings about what's acceptable. It appears, however, there are still things left over that require dismantling, as they still stand between myself and myself (preventing me from becoming whole.) They drive a wedge between my ego and soul, between my consciousness and my subconscious, between me every-day self and my inner wolf. I feel his longing to bring me unity, to allow me to become whole, and his howls in the dark corners of my heart are heard; daily calling me to wilderness.
Speaking of wilderness, perhaps later today I'll share some thoughts about the wilderness that called me to make a stand.
No comments:
Post a Comment