Time to Reflect

Before I fell asleep I called the seven directions, the ancestors, the old gods of nature, and the new gods of humanity. I dreamed again; about the old family, old friends, and about the old church members. The ancestors told me it was time to let go, to say goodbye. So I invited them all into the space I’d created, one group at a time, and said my goodbyes, with the spirits as my witness. It’s just the beginning of letting go, but it’s a good start. I have a tenacious desire, like the wolf that relentlessly stalks his prey, to travel outside my body and cross into the other side; for adventure and journey, not so much escape, but to explore and experience the world as whole, not just what my ego can see. But I’m still afraid to let go. I’ve been learning that I have a variety of strong attachments to things I didn’t realize: Attachments to the old church, family, their judgments, attachments to my own physical body; these really are ego attachments. (The ego of psychology, not egotistical.)

So how do I even loosen, much less release those attachments to my ego? Bill Plotkin in his book Soulcraft talks a lot about that. And although I haven’t got quite half way with the book, I’m pretty sure his theory is to shock the ego with something like a vision or spirit quest. It’s not about being murderous to the ego, as it’s a necessary part of our human experience, but more about disallowing the ego to run the whole show while letting it play its part. Sounds simple, and it is, but it’s also incredibly difficult to accomplish. Our society really demands ego-attention; at work, play and our daily lives, always seem to be someone telling us we need to be or do this or that, buy, buy, buy, sell, sell, sell… What about what I want? Nobody asked me that. So how do I shake the ego to put him in his place in our ego-centric society? Ah, a fear says just now, “How will you operate in ego-centric society with ego not at the wheel?” A valid question, and one I don’t know the answer to.

Another attachment is that I identify with my ego, so if he goes, what do I become? I’m not a butterfly so I’m not used to the whole metamorphose thing. The old gods say that I have to replace my identity with a more soul-centric identity; become who I am deep down whilst letting go of the hold ego has on me. The Lotus is trying to set the bud, but there’s insufficient light. Or maybe those are just leaves, but either way. Frankly, I’m afraid of who I truly am. He doesn’t fit any stereotypes, and he certainly doesn’t fit in with society. He disagrees with how everyone does business, and his couple friends know he’s at least a little crazy… It’s already hard enough to form community, even in the realm of pagan-proclaimers; they don’t understand the inner beast, or they’re afraid of exploring that part of themselves. There is no controlled environment with which to play, he wants to be free and roam the wilderness. But he’s afraid no one will join him.

I believe it was Hugh MacCleod that said, “The price of being a sheep is boredom. The price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care.” So succinct, it is moving to know that someone out there in the world feels at least an inkling of what I do. Proof that empathy does exist.

I suppose my next steps are to continue releasing my hold on ego and other attachments through self-love, taking personal responsibility for them. I have also been asked to do my best to maintain almost a 3rd-person perspective on my life in each moment, maintaining a dreamlike perspective. This is supposed to help identify what areas of my life I have attachments to and why. And, continue to flesh out the identity of my soul, because for right now, it’s a beast, howling for freedom.