Brief history of the Lonely Wolf

Before I really start diving in to who and where I am now, it may be best to pause and take a look back at the past to get a better big picture view, for the sake of relevance. I don't think my story is too uncommon, and there are definitely things that are relatable to most. I grew up in a very fundamental, Christian based religion. Put up with parents who were nothing more than kids themselves, trying to raise kids. My dad never really stopped being a big kid who never wanted to work, and my mom never really grew out of that adolescent desire for drama. Growing up I never really seemed to fit anywhere. Church never could provide me with any of the answers to our existential questions of life and beyond. You know the ones, don't pretend otherwise. And my parents certainly didn't know; it was an endless feedback loop of ask your bishop, ask your parents, ask god, read the bible or whatever. A lot of years learning to hate myself for not fitting into the mold of society and/or religion. Does anyone ever fit that mold? I really don't think so, so why do we even have it? The bishop's kids are always the worst, and the biggest hypocrites are singing the loudest praises in the front row. I was never cool enough, too smart, not strong enough, too quiet, too loud and never myself. Oh did I mention gay? It's almost like it's not a thing anymore, but it is. There are still people who are racist and there will always be people who are homophobic. Not only could I never seem to find the middle ground, I was also supposed to hate myself because of my sexuality.

Blah, blah, blah. Sound familiar? It should, we're many. Quiet. Silent sufferers who too often don't have many (or anyone) to turn to for support. Not that our society and all its advancements is really prepared to deal with the psychological damage religion (and self hatred) causes to the human psyche anyways. A post for another time, though.

My parents got divorced and because I didn't want to live with one and not the other, that side of the family shunned me. Not shunned as in, "maybe you should wait a year to come to Christmas dinner," but shunned like not a phone call or even a text. I got a letter once from the grandparents but they made it pretty clear that they blamed me for my 'bad decision' and left it at a 'that's just too bad' scenario. The church reflected their lack of support. So that's easy, leave the church = leave the family. One side down. The other side, unfortunately, needs serious therapy on all fronts. So much insecurity driven manipulation that it was just added insanity to an already emotional roller coaster.

Okay let me say this is just some background info. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts for the big picture. If it was easy I might still be another cog so I'm actually grateful for being such a terrible fit. So I got out of the church, went to another one, and realized they were pretty much all the same with different names and [sometimes] different songs. So I started looking elsewhere to fill the hole of spirituality in my life. It's been quite a journey ever since.

 I let myself get a little crazy, looked into wicca and other new-agey stuffs. What caught my attention there was overhearing a conversation about out of body experiences (obe's) and recognized too many similarities to be coincidence from childhood, dreamlike experiences I remember fairly vividly. So I started down this interesting path of self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-healing, learning about myself and techniques to do so. Come to find out, there are remnants of and very much alive, old cultures to this day that actually value a person's inner journey. After all, how can they be a productive member of their community if they can't give what they're meant to? I.E. If someone's gift (drive) is accounting, but they try to be an artist, how can they force what they're not and still be productive, and visa versa. The point being, for people to be the most productive members of their community, their true selves must by honored by the self and the members of the community. So off to find myself. I had no teachers (that we can normally see) and only books written by others; a good start but I have to recommend after reading a few, put them down and make your own path. I'm still not 'good' at meditation but practice fairly regularly. And things happen that help guide me along the way.

Early on in this journey I was really feeling a lack of father figure in my life, when in dreamtime wolf spirit came to me and told me he'd always been there, that we were inseparably connected and that he was my father-guide. I never really liked wolves before, nothing special in my mind. I would have much preferred whale as my spirit animal. But that's ok, I quickly learned to love my connection with wolf spirit. Turns out even my family name (matriarchal side) means Wolf in another language. (I found out after the fact, by the way.) It's been a bit of a rough road though, most of the European pagan history was wiped out with the Christian invasion, and as for the Native American side, well I'm not Native American. So who do I talk to about this part of me? For now, I let wolf teach me as I go. Although not so much recently, I used to frequently shift into a wolf in dreamtime, among other animals, and was allowed to experience brief moments from the animals' points of view. Turns out that's really handy, because the human perspective can be incredibly limited if we let it, and we do. So I started letting the beast out more and more, little by little, until I've really found myself at a crossroads; to let the beast of my soul be strong and grow, some attachment(s) to society have to die. I still don't know what I have to offer my community, and don't really even have a community yet to offer to. I gave up a great job along the way to be able to move where the wild lands call to me more clearly, and they're more accessible, but what good am I on my own? Now I feel it's time to take a plunge into my own soul like I never have before. I visited Utah a while back and picked up a book called Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin, and only recently started reading it. It's definitely the right time for me, and I'll definitely be blogging about how those passages resonate with what I'm experiencing right now in my own life.

Let out the beast tonight, maybe we'll find each other in dreamtime. Heed the call of the wilderness.

*Wild Dog by Corinne Reid

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