The Battle Continues...

Hi all, it's been a while. Lots of weird emotions to deal with. For a couple of weeks there I cried at least once a day. I've healed a lot but still have much to go. Only one person wrote me back from my ex-mormon/leaving the family letter (a cousin.)

Got a call from my brother who works in the military and we talked for quite a while. The subject turned to family and confirmed he still talks to our dad, who consequently showed him the letter I'd sent, so I know he got it. Turns out my grandpa died and no one told me. I don't even know when. It's so frustrating. I crave community. How can religion be so important that family is only tertiary?

Is part of my path here being without community? Is my community non-physical? Hopefully wolf spirit will have some lessons for me. When wolf calls for his pack does he howl in the midst of the trees or from a high place, overlooking the valley from whence he came?

Since my grandpa has died, I wonder where his soul wanders. Does he attempt to contact me? I've resigned myself to maintain distance from them for now, so I put up my walls with the parts of me that represent my own 7 directions. When I compare them to the universal elemental spirits, mine are broken: Water is too powerful and can't control the tides. Earth is afraid to move. Fire doesn't know what the others are doing, feels like it doesn't fit and tries to do go its own way. Air feels so helpless that it restlessly rips around in circles, conjuring thoughts that endlessly dovetail into others, creating whirlwinds of anxiety from possibilities that never come to be. Above wants to control them all and below wants to tear it all down. Within is a mess. [North (earth), west (water), south (fire), east (air), above (masculine), below (feminine) and within (wyrd, space, construct, etc.)] I must begin meditations again; beckoning to the universal elements in nature to help my own inner elements find their balance and place amidst each other. This work will be a foundation to later build myself upon; an anchor of sorts in the midst of our changing world. A place where I can always find my center.

I pray to the old gods for inspiration and wisdom. I pray to the animal spirits to teach me how to see what I've forgotten. I pray to the ancestors and elements to provide context. I pray for me, and for you; that as I find my way through the murky waters of our experiences, my metamorphosis will in some way assist/inspire you to perceive, behold and nurture your own potential, whatever you choose that to be.

Even in my pain I see beauty and know this bitterness will pass as all things do. I look to the future, your future and ours, and pray for a humanity united in our own unique centeredness.

I beckon to the Spirit of the Lotus. I go forward.

Goodbye Letter to My Old Church (Ward) and TBM Family

I have had a mind many times over the years to write many of you individually but each time found that revisiting my past was too painful. It has been twelve years since I have stepped foot in a LDS church. During this time I have met others who have had similar experiences to mine and it has been very difficult for me to discuss my own story. Some have become the best of friends, and we offer support for each other in any way we can. In my recent conversations with others, I have been reminded of my upbringing in the church; my culture, background and heritage and my family for better or worse.

No longer angry, I have come face-to-face with my past, and know that now is the time to confront it head-on, with unconditional compassion for myself: Mormonism is my culture, I was raised in the church, and most of my childhood pains as well as positive experiences were had there in some form or another. I am rebuilding an inner bridge to my own Mormonism, and accepting it in unconditional love so that I can transmute the pain I left there into purer intentions moving forward in my life. In doing so, I have realized that I never gave myself adequate space or time to grieve the death of all of the meaningful relationships I left behind in ward and family. I want very much to take this opportunity to reach out to you and express my gratitude to each of you for the various ways you've touched my life growing up.

Please share with the family as I don’t have everyone’s addresses and I’m sure by now so many cousins have grown up and are in college or married and moved out.

Although we had many differences growing up, and did not always get along, you are my family and I will never forget that and the significant part you played in my life.

I am certain that many assume I never returned to church or family due to the unfortunate events pertaining to my immediate family and the fracture that occurred there, and you would not be completely wrong, but this is only a partial truth.

I would like to relate to you all my real story and I only hope you will be enlightened about my own situation: I discovered I had same sex attractions (SSA) at about age 7. I did not yet know the church's stance on the matter as I am assuming it was determined that it was too adult of a topic for me at that age. I quickly became aware of the stigma with homosexuality both in and out of the church, however, and began to pray daily for my deliverance. After all, through fervent prayer, fasting and sacrifice I would be made whole again, right? I began to hate myself, thinking that my self hatred may be proportional to my becoming pure; destroying the SSA with my hatred of the sin. I went down a road of depression, and after a few years of this I had decided to end my own life. I knew I would never reach the Celestial Kingdom with the baggage that God would not see fit to take from me, and I could not bear the thought of being a false husband some day in a marriage to a Woman who would obviously deserve an honest, loving husband that could support all her needs. I was content with the Telestial and could no longer bear the shame of myself and what that would bring to my family. I will spare you the details of the events surrounding my unsuccessful attempt at finding the easy way out. Simply know that I could not perceive another way out of the depression, self-loathing and guilt. All I wanted was to be another one of the guys; to fit in and be as I thought God wanted me to be. Just before I turned 12 my parents discovered my same sex attractions and what ensued were terrible arguments in our family as to how to best deal with me.

I think my parents were afraid; maybe that's why one became so angry and the other so distant. I knew then I had lost my family and over the years I became more distant as I fit in less and less. I didn't get better. I hated myself every day. Even blamed myself for the downward spiral that ensued for my own immediate family. I lost hope. I sought refuge in rebelliousness and the small kindnesses of anyone else as I continued to die inside. I became burnt out from continually tearing myself down and shoving parts of myself in the dark corners of my soul so I didn't have to look at myself. Despite your kindnesses, I could not overcome my own self hatred, and something had to give. Based on the reactions of my parents and the negative stigma attached to persons with SSA, I just couldn't believe that you'd accept me as I was. So just before I turned 18 my parents got divorced and I left the church and everything associated with it behind..

It is now 12 years later and I am still learning to love, trust and accept myself. 18 years of telling myself I am not good enough eventually translated into the affirmation: I will never be good enough and I am worthless. So many of the words and verbiage used by the church in describing sins can be hurtful if we're not careful. To be clear, I do not see my same sex attractions as sinful or even wrong at this point in my life, and my intention is not to change your opinion of sin or not sin. I'm still viscerally aware of church leadership's position on the matter. Frankly, in my opinion, if God wanted me 'cured' he would have done so many years ago. Unless his intentions were to give me this burden to teach his people unconditional love? Unfortunately that still left me with Telestial, which I thought was unfair and not in line with church doctrine of free choice and repentance. I did not wake up one day and decide I would have SSA; I wanted quite the contrary with all my heart. To continue to fit into the family and Mormon community I was born into. I assure you it is the way I was born and is no fault of anyone. It merely is, and now I just want to be with someone I love and who loves me back. My new affirmation is that I am worthy.

I wanted to share this with you so that you might understand why I left overnight and never said goodbye, or took the time to thank you for the kindnesses you showed me in my time with you. My shame was too great and I could not bear to be honest with you so I ran. I was so afraid of being disowned by you that I just walked away as to avoid it. My biggest regret was never giving you the chance to love and accept me at least as a person and member of your family, in whatever capacity I had to serve you all, even if I'd never make it the Celestial or even Terrestrial kingdoms.

So I sincerely apologize to you all for not giving you that opportunity, and just assuming you would hate me as I hated myself. And I apologize for never properly thanking you for those kindnesses. I hope you understand and can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

The last thing I want you to glean from this letter is what complete non-acceptance of our brothers and sisters with same sex attractions does to our families and how divisive that non-acceptance is in the home. Even if we do not return to church, or cannot hold callings, I assure you we have just as much to offer in the family unit and overall community as our straight brothers and sisters. If you don't believe me then you've forgotten all the work I did, all the things I provided, despite my immaturity at the time, and the ultimate message of Christ, to love one another unconditionally. I hope you will take my story of SSA and seriously evaluate how you view and treat our brothers and sisters with SSA. We are your cousins, nephews, nieces, sons, daughters, grandchildren. And we are afraid you will hate us because of things we never wanted and never chose. We love you and even if we cannot reconcile our own lives with church doctrine, we want nothing more than to stay part of our families.

I hope I have provided some perspective on my life and that you never blame yourselves for any of my own shortcomings, I certainly don't. Thank you again for your kindness and being my family throughout my childhood and adolescence. I apologize for never allowing you the opportunity to be accepting and to show me you valued my contributions. And I hope you take a serious look at how you treat sin in general, especially SSA; taking into account how your actions in dealing with someone looking for your support can literally be a matter of life and death for them, as well as the real possibility of splitting up our families unnecessarily.

Mormonism Returns

I have been an ex-mormon now for right about 12 years. I left when I was just beginning adulthood, despite having grown up in the church. I left almost my entire family behind, except 2 brothers and my mom. None of the rest of them speak to me (and let's be real, we were mormon so there were a lot of them.) I tried born-again christianity for a couple years after that but eventually turned my back to organized religion and began to embrace my own sexuality (now mid-20's).

Fast forward to now, I've been talking to a long-time friend of mine who [I think] is older than me by a few years, and still isn't out. We always discuss our love for wilderness and the peace it brings us amidst our daily struggles. His struggles are different as he lives a life still very close to the church whilst I live mine in exile. There are great struggles with either choice, of course, and those struggles are areas we have found comfort in each others' stories and support. In doing so more consistently than we have in the past, for the last month or two, I have come to realize that there are a lot of unresolved issues I have with myself relating to my upbringing in the church. I've cried a bit and cringed many times with a lot of pain that's resurfacing just in the last couple days. One of the most difficult things was realizing that I don't know how to act in society. Mormon society was very standardized; you could attend any church just about anywhere across the globe and the verbiage, actions, schedules and even the lesson plans would all be just about the same. The people would act the same, have the same reactions to the same discussions, sing the same hymns and interpret uniformly the same scriptures. It was safe, secure, and I always knew what to do. When I left it was abrupt, almost overnight. I never saw myself doing so. I never grieved the deaths of all the relationships I'd known all my life. And according to everything I'd ever known, those were the only relationships that mattered since outside of the church relationships (be they friendships/acquaintances/other) were temporary since those people would never get to heaven and we were only supposed to spend time with them inasmuch as we were able to proselytize.

It only took me 12 years to realize that coming out as gay, and never going to church again is not dealing with [still the] majority of my lifetime's experiences and upbringing. I have a lifetime of cult-culture behind me making up and reinforcing everything I've ever known about the human existence, including how to treat myself and others. It appears I'm beginning a long process of healing to make up for this. If I'm honest, I miss the ease of having everything written down in a book; my life's instructions, and the standardization of culture: it was so easy, and I knew the system as well as any of them. But that's the problem inherent in that cult-system: There's no room for our differences, and our contributions are not valuable outside of supporting the machine that drains our souls to empty husks. I'm not wanting to go back (I actually can't according to doctrine without shedding my own blood whilst dying in sacrifice to save my soul - that's real doctrine, no joke), just acknowledging my feelings. So I'm acknowledging also that I don't know how to value my self, or others, in our diversity and apologize to the Universe for my short-sightedness. It was my tool to survive for my entire life as a child; everything I ever learned, and now it only serves to hold me down. I cannot be true and will never be whole until that attachment is dissolved. Then when I am whole I may be able to incorporate into society and provide my community with whatever gifts have been hidden by my lack of vision.

I am not embarrassed to disclose that as my mormonism returns, I am in the process of joining an ex-mormon support group, as one of the most difficult things has been surrounding myself with people who just don't understand what it means to have grown up in that culture. I am excited to seek friends with similar stories, who have also grown up in the church and left; knowing how we all used to walk, how we all used to talk, and supporting each other in our new journeys into the world community.