Encounters With the Gods: An Artist's Conundrum.

Okay, so I don't what Hawk is doing; I see him following me around, but no visits in dreamtime like Wolf always has. And yet I feel something changing in me: I have had this irresistible desire to be with the gods, and I've been doing research about them. I also really wanted to [randomly] paint/draw this weekend. So why not draw the gods? So I sat down and got out my stuffs but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. I realized that although I love the mythology and imagery, I just can't get behind the anthropomorphizing of the gods. The god of wind is not some dude floating about casting air about the planet. He/she is air, and how do you draw air, much less the spirit of air? I get it, that's why we do anthropomorphize them, but what if there's another way? Thinking of something abstract... (except Cernunnos who always seems to be changing, but often shows himself as a man - and I mean, damn, what a beautiful man..., if not equally as often as something else.)

In the meantime, these questions have really changed my relationship with the gods very quickly. They feel so much more powerful now, and the parts of myself that they represent are opening to their influence more and more. Take for example my incessant mind-chatter: if air and the God is related to the mind and thoughts, then what causes unstable air? It literally comes from imbalances across the landscape; from mountains and deserts to oceans and forest fires. So the lesson there was that all my other elements need to be really careful to stay balanced to help my mind learn quiescence. A specific instance was that I needed to lower (remove) the sentinel mountains erected for self-protection; erode them into fertile soil so that they would not force the air element up into creating storms and provide for more self love/acceptance (hence the soil) to be cultivated.

So I've realized that even though anthropomorphizing the gods has it's uses, I decided I'm an Animist by nature, and there is evidence to support that that was more dominant in ancient societies than a dogmatic system like classical Greece or Rome. In Japan we have the Shinto religion which is still very animist, and I read that the ancient celts were most likely animist in their own spirituality before anthropomorphizing their gods and goddesses in response to those concepts being introduced into their societies over the years.

Maybe Hawk was just helping me open my inner gates to the gods, working behind the scenes until they had a foothold and really began their work in me. I feel wolf coming on strong again too; gonna need some wild-time very soon. With the waning moon it will probably be shadow wolf too (or as I sometimes call it, potential wolf.)

Although ever-grateful, hawk, you still owe me some dreamtime flying lessons...

Strange Beginnings; Maybe?

I had been sick for a few days, and a few months ago started a new job, so I've been way out of touch with myself. The last couple days I've really been buckling down to practice more meditation, and to more deeply realize myself. It seems father wolf is backing down, for how long, who knows? Bad timing for me starting this blog... but we'll deal with it. Good and bad are relative. He said it's time for me to let hawk spirit in with his message(s) and to focus on that for the time being.

As I really begin to let go of my identity, I should say my attachment to my identity, it becomes ever more clear that I am not acting from a place of truth; I'm not being myself. But I've done this my whole life, and I don't know who I am, or even where to start looking. In Plotkin's Soulcraft, he believes this is the norm for Western Society due to our lack of ritual, reverence, and/or community support for our children to grow from adolescence into adults. We do not revere or even seem to care for the idea of self discovery and every one must fit into the same mold of producer/consumer/economic stimulator.

I feel myself calling for an inner death, but my ego won't let go; there must be something to replace it. But what? I've been operating under the assumption that if I just start being what ever it is I'm supposed to be, that the old will just let go and die on its own. Now that I'm writing it out it sounds pretty naive. I did write in my poem that he had to trust in death and in his own rebirth. Perhaps the best road (maybe even the only road forward at this point) is to do just that. Maybe I'm not supposed to know yet.

I was contemplating this whole condition yesterday whilst driving back to work from running errands, and wondered if hawk was supposed to be visiting me with messages/guidance on this very subject. I hadn't even finished the thought when a very large bird flew past my truck heading the same direction adjacent to the offramp I was on. And yes, it was a hawk. I took it as a sign, I did ask for those...

So last night I wholeheartedly practiced meditation and the quiescence of the mind in hopes that hawk would visit me. I called the 7 directions and invited all the ancestors, gods, goddesses and nature spirits that would help. I waited for hawk but I never met him there. Perhaps the timing is poor. I admit I'm a bit distraught by the whole thing, but it was only one night. Maybe I'm still preparing myself, and I must continue with the hope that when ready, I'll receive the insight I need.