The Old Gods, or New?

I was doing a little reading last night about shamanism:

[And just so you know, I will likely never get into the verbiage-ethics of the use of the word shamanism as it applies to the spiritual practice of awareness/traveling to realms not so bound by our physical natures. This unending debate is steeped in opinions about cultural misappropriation, appropriate language, and clear communication. Until we can agree upon a term that relates the general practices, we're stuck with the closest thing we've got. Don't complain about it if you're not going to offer solutions...]

Coming back from that tangent, whilst reading, I realized the spirituality of our ancestors that so many of us want to bring back to life within ourselves was largely centered around hunting, gathering and agriculture. In meditating on this, the gods of the natural world were the gods they spent all their time around. They were hunters who prayed to Cernunnos and animal spirits, they were farmers who prayed to rain. They were communities that prayed to fire. And yet, I cannot find a mythos where even the old gods aren't dead yet... The gods of Greece and Rome had long overthrown the Titans; replacing earth and sea with war, strategy, love and beauty. The Tuatha de Danann were overthrown by invaders, despite their magical prowess and respect for the earth, and were forced underground. The Vanir, gods of the natural world, along with the Giants, warred with the Aesir and lost, giving way to thought and prowess of the mind. They prophesied that there would be the final battle of Ragnorak, where the Aesir would die...

Did our ancestors even love the gods of old? Were the rain and wind too fearsome, the sea too grand, and the mountains too powerful? I'm writing this at work behind a desk, in the midst of my romantic notions of 'getting back to the land,' knowing how unfulfilling my busy life of work, laws and taxes is... Wishing I had more time for the gods, realizing that in surrounding ourselves with our comforts, they truly have been supplanted by the gods of wrath, wisdom, revelry and organization. What need have I for the gods of rain, sun and sea? I'm no fool, and I know how important they still are, but in our time they have taken a last-row seat to make room for other concepts such as justice, legislation, power, influence, money, education and intelligence. We have forgotten that we came from the elements, and created our own, new standard; replacing our origins with some future unknown, untested and unquestioned. Every generation takes steps further into technology and doesn't bother to ask why or what the consequences may be.

Is there a way to reconcile the old gods and the new? I am one person, can I slow the momentum of the new gods of humanity? Can I find my own middle ground? In every culture those gods are always at war... Is it healthy to move backwards? Can we take a break to ask the questions of where our species is headed and why? How relevant are the old gods when today humanity worships it's own idea[l]s?

My soul cries out and I can feel the current imbalance within myself; I struggle to find it even in just my own little spirit. Some feel that humanity should progress, but I am pulled much slower. I have never felt more satisfied than working hard to get the cows fed or the garden tilled and watered. But I was only blessed with moments; perhaps I'd feel different if that was my daily grind? Would it be more enriching? I won't know if I don't do it, but I only have so many years and then what?

The only answer I have is that if I am ever caught up in the war of the gods, be it in this life or long after, I know where my lot will be cast. Perhaps I am not the healer but the warrior? Or perhaps the warrior-politico, convincing Gaia to don her war-helm and fight back against our meager creations? But Gaia hasn't been known to choose sides, she has always sought balance... perhaps she will teach me to as well. Perhaps she will teach us.

Wolf Spirit guide me.
Earth Mother teach me.
Nature Father love me.
Ancestors grant me your wisdom,
As we have forgotten.

Spirits, Stones and 'Pagan' Ethics.

The ritual begins: She sits within a circle of her favorite crystals; amethyst, quartz, tigers eye. She lights her sage bundle and allows it to smolder before bathing in its cleansing smoke, beneath it holding all the while an abalone shell, ceremoniously catching the ash. She prays to the spirits for protection as she casts her circle to begin her magic...

So many books paving the way for so many of us into paganism, new-age mindfulness or mysticism begin the same: Here are the tools, symbols and techniques, make sure to practice, don't be too hard on yourself and reference the list of stones, herbs, animals, symbols and their associations in the back of the book when preparing for your work. Is it just me, or is the redundancy department of redundancy at work again? Not only are all the books seemingly the same (just pick your flavor; celtic, wiccan, druid, re-constructionist, new-age, etc.), their lists of tools, objects and their associations seem to be highly derivative.

Let's hold right here for a moment: I've not read all the books out there, and I've not scoured their information for copyrighted consistencies and nuanced variations. I'm speaking in very broad generalities. I'm not saying crystals are bad and that we should all stop using sage, but are these commonalities hindering our spiritual progress and/or incongruent with [many or our] beliefs of ecological conservation and equitable human rights around the globe?

Although I've not surveyed all the new-age and pagan shops in America to find out where they get their crystals, herbs and ingredients, I think I'm safe in claiming that many of those items are not endemic to our country; in many cases not found on our continent and certainly not found in our backyards or even local green spaces. Much of the amethyst comes from mines in Brazil, labradorite from Madagascar and diamonds from Africa. Sage, both Salvia apiana and Artemisia tridentata are endemic to the American south-west and west of the continental divide respectively. Dragon's Blood, a popular incense-resin for protection and cleansing, comes from Dracaena trees in Africa and Daemonorops from India & China. Were they sustainably harvested? Does our demand for these products create poor working conditions a sub-living wages for people we share the planet with?

I'm not trying to point fingers or even attempt to make a claim that the common tools/ingredients in American pagan culture are bad or good, I just want to ask if we know where they come from... Do we really have a solid understanding of what it took to get that incense burner carved, that sage bundled, or that rock polished and delivered to your door? Are we making the best decisions for the planet, humanity and ourselves? If we continue to use sage exclusively for cleansing, and cleansing exclusively with sage, are we maybe missing something?

My proposal is that we begin to look around ourselves and ask what tools, stones, herbs and ingredients we have available to us. What's endemic to the space I call home? Where I live there are some [geologically relatively] new lava formations; perhaps there are some stones right here whose spirits have something to offer my own growth. Is it possible that working with the spirits of native plants could be more potent and rewarding than with those that grew on the other side of the planet, dug up with who knows what respect or lack thereof, and shipped? Have we asked that question in prayer/meditation? How much more fitting would it be to use tools made by locals (or yourself) specifically for, and with the intention/mutual arrangement of serving your purpose, whatever that may be for that particular tool?

I'm not saying we shouldn't be using them. When I lived in the south-west, I was lucky enough to have white sage everywhere and would pick my own. I almost never bought any. The same for some of the other herbs I'd use. I also lived within a day-trips distance to some great rock-hounding areas where I could pick up jasper, agate and even opal if you knew where to look. I've never been a huge crystal person, but would occasionally find something that just seemed to want to come home and be incorporated into some meditation or ritual. Now I've moved and everything is new: The southwest is arid and the flora/fauna is much different than the woodlands of the northwest, and I'm always discovering new and amazing plants/animals. I still love white sage and not sure what I'll do when my stash runs out. A compelling argument can be made that we are a world-species and that we all have a little of this or that from either/or country and that on some level, our own spirits resonate with the spirits of the plants/animals there. But unless you live in Africa with the Dracaena trees, how much will Dragon's blood really help your spiritual work?

I feel that I'm personally much more enriched when I work with the spirits of where I call home; where we both coexist is where we can best understand and really know each other. That amethyst that was ripped from the ground in Brazil by a villager looking to make a quick $0.01 just doesn't have a whole lot in common with me. And I feel like I'm holding everyone to a higher standard of caring for the planet by not supporting that type of 'plundering.' I also believe that I'm holding myself to a higher standard spiritually by not taking 12 different authors' word that I need sage and quartz crystals for cleansing and protection, and looking around myself to seek and discover the hidden 'mysteries' of the spirits that I spend my life around. The inconspicuous piece of lava rock I find while hiking in the cascades region that burns in my hand and soul when I pick it up is going to be vastly more useful. It really forces me to take the time to stop and smell (and talk to) the proverbial - and sometimes literal - roses. And it opens doors for me to exercise being in the moment, knowing myself and being at peace with my surroundings.

All that being said, I must admit I love plants from around the world; I collect orchids and other beautiful houseplants. I've created spaces where they can come together in a sort of metropolis of life. Most, if not all have been greenhouse-propagated, but they still cary the spirit of their origins in tropical jungles, cloud forests and arid, outback summers. When I grow them well, their reward is transporting me in dreamtime to their inner and outer worlds of jungles and mountains. It has been a rich experience and I am truly blessed to know them.

I wish I'd read the book about discovering local plant, mineral and animal spirits and their benefits for myself when I first began my path into paganism. To their credit, many authors do mention this, but I feel a disproportionate amount of information, especially marketed to new pagans, is regurgitated and stifling in the long run. I will also acknowledge the benefits of beginning somewhere; if that's sage and quartz crystals, I only hope they are eventually led to something profoundly personal and grounding in their own peace. If your flavor of paganism is earth-based, and/or you consider yourself a champion of bio-conservation, I hope these thoughts have already entered your mind and that you have taken steps to balance your practice as well. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter...

Peace be with you,

Lonely Wolf

The Battle Continues...

Hi all, it's been a while. Lots of weird emotions to deal with. For a couple of weeks there I cried at least once a day. I've healed a lot but still have much to go. Only one person wrote me back from my ex-mormon/leaving the family letter (a cousin.)

Got a call from my brother who works in the military and we talked for quite a while. The subject turned to family and confirmed he still talks to our dad, who consequently showed him the letter I'd sent, so I know he got it. Turns out my grandpa died and no one told me. I don't even know when. It's so frustrating. I crave community. How can religion be so important that family is only tertiary?

Is part of my path here being without community? Is my community non-physical? Hopefully wolf spirit will have some lessons for me. When wolf calls for his pack does he howl in the midst of the trees or from a high place, overlooking the valley from whence he came?

Since my grandpa has died, I wonder where his soul wanders. Does he attempt to contact me? I've resigned myself to maintain distance from them for now, so I put up my walls with the parts of me that represent my own 7 directions. When I compare them to the universal elemental spirits, mine are broken: Water is too powerful and can't control the tides. Earth is afraid to move. Fire doesn't know what the others are doing, feels like it doesn't fit and tries to do go its own way. Air feels so helpless that it restlessly rips around in circles, conjuring thoughts that endlessly dovetail into others, creating whirlwinds of anxiety from possibilities that never come to be. Above wants to control them all and below wants to tear it all down. Within is a mess. [North (earth), west (water), south (fire), east (air), above (masculine), below (feminine) and within (wyrd, space, construct, etc.)] I must begin meditations again; beckoning to the universal elements in nature to help my own inner elements find their balance and place amidst each other. This work will be a foundation to later build myself upon; an anchor of sorts in the midst of our changing world. A place where I can always find my center.

I pray to the old gods for inspiration and wisdom. I pray to the animal spirits to teach me how to see what I've forgotten. I pray to the ancestors and elements to provide context. I pray for me, and for you; that as I find my way through the murky waters of our experiences, my metamorphosis will in some way assist/inspire you to perceive, behold and nurture your own potential, whatever you choose that to be.

Even in my pain I see beauty and know this bitterness will pass as all things do. I look to the future, your future and ours, and pray for a humanity united in our own unique centeredness.

I beckon to the Spirit of the Lotus. I go forward.

Goodbye Letter to My Old Church (Ward) and TBM Family

I have had a mind many times over the years to write many of you individually but each time found that revisiting my past was too painful. It has been twelve years since I have stepped foot in a LDS church. During this time I have met others who have had similar experiences to mine and it has been very difficult for me to discuss my own story. Some have become the best of friends, and we offer support for each other in any way we can. In my recent conversations with others, I have been reminded of my upbringing in the church; my culture, background and heritage and my family for better or worse.

No longer angry, I have come face-to-face with my past, and know that now is the time to confront it head-on, with unconditional compassion for myself: Mormonism is my culture, I was raised in the church, and most of my childhood pains as well as positive experiences were had there in some form or another. I am rebuilding an inner bridge to my own Mormonism, and accepting it in unconditional love so that I can transmute the pain I left there into purer intentions moving forward in my life. In doing so, I have realized that I never gave myself adequate space or time to grieve the death of all of the meaningful relationships I left behind in ward and family. I want very much to take this opportunity to reach out to you and express my gratitude to each of you for the various ways you've touched my life growing up.

Please share with the family as I don’t have everyone’s addresses and I’m sure by now so many cousins have grown up and are in college or married and moved out.

Although we had many differences growing up, and did not always get along, you are my family and I will never forget that and the significant part you played in my life.

I am certain that many assume I never returned to church or family due to the unfortunate events pertaining to my immediate family and the fracture that occurred there, and you would not be completely wrong, but this is only a partial truth.

I would like to relate to you all my real story and I only hope you will be enlightened about my own situation: I discovered I had same sex attractions (SSA) at about age 7. I did not yet know the church's stance on the matter as I am assuming it was determined that it was too adult of a topic for me at that age. I quickly became aware of the stigma with homosexuality both in and out of the church, however, and began to pray daily for my deliverance. After all, through fervent prayer, fasting and sacrifice I would be made whole again, right? I began to hate myself, thinking that my self hatred may be proportional to my becoming pure; destroying the SSA with my hatred of the sin. I went down a road of depression, and after a few years of this I had decided to end my own life. I knew I would never reach the Celestial Kingdom with the baggage that God would not see fit to take from me, and I could not bear the thought of being a false husband some day in a marriage to a Woman who would obviously deserve an honest, loving husband that could support all her needs. I was content with the Telestial and could no longer bear the shame of myself and what that would bring to my family. I will spare you the details of the events surrounding my unsuccessful attempt at finding the easy way out. Simply know that I could not perceive another way out of the depression, self-loathing and guilt. All I wanted was to be another one of the guys; to fit in and be as I thought God wanted me to be. Just before I turned 12 my parents discovered my same sex attractions and what ensued were terrible arguments in our family as to how to best deal with me.

I think my parents were afraid; maybe that's why one became so angry and the other so distant. I knew then I had lost my family and over the years I became more distant as I fit in less and less. I didn't get better. I hated myself every day. Even blamed myself for the downward spiral that ensued for my own immediate family. I lost hope. I sought refuge in rebelliousness and the small kindnesses of anyone else as I continued to die inside. I became burnt out from continually tearing myself down and shoving parts of myself in the dark corners of my soul so I didn't have to look at myself. Despite your kindnesses, I could not overcome my own self hatred, and something had to give. Based on the reactions of my parents and the negative stigma attached to persons with SSA, I just couldn't believe that you'd accept me as I was. So just before I turned 18 my parents got divorced and I left the church and everything associated with it behind..

It is now 12 years later and I am still learning to love, trust and accept myself. 18 years of telling myself I am not good enough eventually translated into the affirmation: I will never be good enough and I am worthless. So many of the words and verbiage used by the church in describing sins can be hurtful if we're not careful. To be clear, I do not see my same sex attractions as sinful or even wrong at this point in my life, and my intention is not to change your opinion of sin or not sin. I'm still viscerally aware of church leadership's position on the matter. Frankly, in my opinion, if God wanted me 'cured' he would have done so many years ago. Unless his intentions were to give me this burden to teach his people unconditional love? Unfortunately that still left me with Telestial, which I thought was unfair and not in line with church doctrine of free choice and repentance. I did not wake up one day and decide I would have SSA; I wanted quite the contrary with all my heart. To continue to fit into the family and Mormon community I was born into. I assure you it is the way I was born and is no fault of anyone. It merely is, and now I just want to be with someone I love and who loves me back. My new affirmation is that I am worthy.

I wanted to share this with you so that you might understand why I left overnight and never said goodbye, or took the time to thank you for the kindnesses you showed me in my time with you. My shame was too great and I could not bear to be honest with you so I ran. I was so afraid of being disowned by you that I just walked away as to avoid it. My biggest regret was never giving you the chance to love and accept me at least as a person and member of your family, in whatever capacity I had to serve you all, even if I'd never make it the Celestial or even Terrestrial kingdoms.

So I sincerely apologize to you all for not giving you that opportunity, and just assuming you would hate me as I hated myself. And I apologize for never properly thanking you for those kindnesses. I hope you understand and can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

The last thing I want you to glean from this letter is what complete non-acceptance of our brothers and sisters with same sex attractions does to our families and how divisive that non-acceptance is in the home. Even if we do not return to church, or cannot hold callings, I assure you we have just as much to offer in the family unit and overall community as our straight brothers and sisters. If you don't believe me then you've forgotten all the work I did, all the things I provided, despite my immaturity at the time, and the ultimate message of Christ, to love one another unconditionally. I hope you will take my story of SSA and seriously evaluate how you view and treat our brothers and sisters with SSA. We are your cousins, nephews, nieces, sons, daughters, grandchildren. And we are afraid you will hate us because of things we never wanted and never chose. We love you and even if we cannot reconcile our own lives with church doctrine, we want nothing more than to stay part of our families.

I hope I have provided some perspective on my life and that you never blame yourselves for any of my own shortcomings, I certainly don't. Thank you again for your kindness and being my family throughout my childhood and adolescence. I apologize for never allowing you the opportunity to be accepting and to show me you valued my contributions. And I hope you take a serious look at how you treat sin in general, especially SSA; taking into account how your actions in dealing with someone looking for your support can literally be a matter of life and death for them, as well as the real possibility of splitting up our families unnecessarily.

Mormonism Returns

I have been an ex-mormon now for right about 12 years. I left when I was just beginning adulthood, despite having grown up in the church. I left almost my entire family behind, except 2 brothers and my mom. None of the rest of them speak to me (and let's be real, we were mormon so there were a lot of them.) I tried born-again christianity for a couple years after that but eventually turned my back to organized religion and began to embrace my own sexuality (now mid-20's).

Fast forward to now, I've been talking to a long-time friend of mine who [I think] is older than me by a few years, and still isn't out. We always discuss our love for wilderness and the peace it brings us amidst our daily struggles. His struggles are different as he lives a life still very close to the church whilst I live mine in exile. There are great struggles with either choice, of course, and those struggles are areas we have found comfort in each others' stories and support. In doing so more consistently than we have in the past, for the last month or two, I have come to realize that there are a lot of unresolved issues I have with myself relating to my upbringing in the church. I've cried a bit and cringed many times with a lot of pain that's resurfacing just in the last couple days. One of the most difficult things was realizing that I don't know how to act in society. Mormon society was very standardized; you could attend any church just about anywhere across the globe and the verbiage, actions, schedules and even the lesson plans would all be just about the same. The people would act the same, have the same reactions to the same discussions, sing the same hymns and interpret uniformly the same scriptures. It was safe, secure, and I always knew what to do. When I left it was abrupt, almost overnight. I never saw myself doing so. I never grieved the deaths of all the relationships I'd known all my life. And according to everything I'd ever known, those were the only relationships that mattered since outside of the church relationships (be they friendships/acquaintances/other) were temporary since those people would never get to heaven and we were only supposed to spend time with them inasmuch as we were able to proselytize.

It only took me 12 years to realize that coming out as gay, and never going to church again is not dealing with [still the] majority of my lifetime's experiences and upbringing. I have a lifetime of cult-culture behind me making up and reinforcing everything I've ever known about the human existence, including how to treat myself and others. It appears I'm beginning a long process of healing to make up for this. If I'm honest, I miss the ease of having everything written down in a book; my life's instructions, and the standardization of culture: it was so easy, and I knew the system as well as any of them. But that's the problem inherent in that cult-system: There's no room for our differences, and our contributions are not valuable outside of supporting the machine that drains our souls to empty husks. I'm not wanting to go back (I actually can't according to doctrine without shedding my own blood whilst dying in sacrifice to save my soul - that's real doctrine, no joke), just acknowledging my feelings. So I'm acknowledging also that I don't know how to value my self, or others, in our diversity and apologize to the Universe for my short-sightedness. It was my tool to survive for my entire life as a child; everything I ever learned, and now it only serves to hold me down. I cannot be true and will never be whole until that attachment is dissolved. Then when I am whole I may be able to incorporate into society and provide my community with whatever gifts have been hidden by my lack of vision.

I am not embarrassed to disclose that as my mormonism returns, I am in the process of joining an ex-mormon support group, as one of the most difficult things has been surrounding myself with people who just don't understand what it means to have grown up in that culture. I am excited to seek friends with similar stories, who have also grown up in the church and left; knowing how we all used to walk, how we all used to talk, and supporting each other in our new journeys into the world community.

The Battle for the Soul: Part 2.

Well shit... So I called on every spirit being I've ever known and all that were interested that would help. Had quite a turnout. I got handed off back and forth quite a bit so not sure I remember who was who in any particular moment. Plus going into and coming out of the trance fucks with the memory quite a bit. We all met at the wall. Wolf spirit wanted us to find a way through, break away a small bit at a time and create a narrow breach into the unknown. Through this point, I can travel to and from, each time wearing down more and more until it disappears. Although not in disagreement, the shaman came from the shadows and in conjunction with the horned god of nature, took me straight up to the wall, turned me so my back was facing the wall and pressed me against it. They told me that the wall was put up with intention and would therefore be removed with intention. Facing into my known life, and without the illusion of vision, I perceived their message and with their help in modifying the way my spirit perceived, I saw the wall simultaneously as before and as it's own negative, intention. We switched to the negative perception and the wall faded completely for a few moments. It began to fade back proportionately with my recurring inhibitions; the reason for the wall in the first place. This is a time of great change and I must tread slowly as to not ensure I eventually transmute all of the intention to keep that wall, and that I don't venture too far past it when I do, until I have better control of my intentions for its existence.

I heard a voice nearby; the same child's voice that had called out to me before. I realized that it did not come from beyond the wall and exercised the same ability to perceive my environments negative that made the wall disappear. The world turned black in front of me except for a yellow-orange light emanating from a younger version of myself, battered and on his knees on the ground. I went to him to lift him up and he thanked me, saying that he'd been stuck there in that prison for so many years. He was very weak and the spirits that had come to help with the wall helped me hold myself up. We sat for some time together, face to face, and as the older me, showed my younger self [some of the] compassion I hadn't received then. We sealed our intention with a sensuous union of spirits, and I will continue to heal and integrate myself to wholeness. I knew then that I had locked myself away years before, hoping I would just change into something I wasn't in order to get the love I couldn't give myself from others in my life. There is much healing ahead, this part of me literally needs to receive the strength to walk again, and integrating a much less mature part of myself to an older me will be interesting to say the least. I know that the path must be compassionate and abundantly accepting.

I find it strange that I cannot recall whether it was the night before or after my soul journey, but I had a very disturbing dream: I was with a group of good friends in some wilderness location just doing whatever friends do, when we were attacked by gunfire. Helicopters, assault rifles, all the accoutrements of an all-out assault against my current state of being. After running for some time, loosing people on both sides, we finally glimpsed our attackers: 2 adolescent boys, about 12 years old. They started to shoot my friends where they were hiding, so I came out unarmed to confront them. I asked them what they wanted and why they were hurting us. Their answer is foggy but I remember they wanted to be known/recognized. I tried to be friendly and they seemed to respond fairly amiably. I got them to stop shooting at us but they told me I had to come with them. They said no one had ever been kind to them and that I needed to be their friend. The second boy went somewhere I couldn't see and so I stayed talking to the first. I realized he was me; a negative dream-aspect of myself saturated in so much enmity as to be willing to murder friends and my older-self. I did my best to provide as much compassion as possible to this younger me whilst in fear for my life at the volatile nature of his emotions. The dream memory ends there and I know the road to healing will be long, nuanced, delicate and difficult. It will take enormous courage but what other choice is there when I know I am to be made whole? [A rhetorical question, to be sure.]

The Battle for the Soul: Part 1.

This post is going to take a while, and I'll be updating it as often as there are opportunities to do so since this battle will take place over many campaigns...

I sniffed out the roots of the mighty hedge that separates my spirit, body and mind. Long ago the seed was sown and since has become unmanageable. Confronting this beastly barrier allowed an inspection of the enemy and my findings follow:

Daunting, enormous, interwoven with so many aspects of my perspective of reality. It's removal and eradication will be no easy or quick feat. It is not merely a matter of confronting a fear, accepting, loving, healing or any 'simple' action to transmute it and move on. This has become a part of myself. Although the idea originated from someone else, it became my own; I reinforced it and nurtured it, albeit unwittingly, for the last 25 years. It's like a bad relationship you've been in for [25] years, and you only now admit it to yourself. What do you do? It's easy to say let it go and move on, but it is so much more nuanced than that. I've identified with my wall for so long, doesn't it keep me safe from nightmares and demons; from the unknown? Knowing that safety and security are essentially illusory gives me strength. I know I created this wall and somehow I can take it down. But I'm afraid of vulnerability and change. What will I become? I've feared this death before and I can face it again if I must, although I know it isn't easy and certainly not fun... Perhaps I'm not meant to and never will be open to the spirit world? Perhaps it's not my path to see it as one and the same as I believe it to be? To that the shaman surprises me with a clear whisper to my mind, "You will." And with that, I accept in my heart that it is my path, and I prepare to face myself...